7 Behaviors That Are Keeping You Stuck
2/11/2016
If you are feeling really stuck in life, one thing to look at is what payoff, or secondary gain, you may be getting from staying in struggle, illness, lack of success, being in a job or relationship that you don't like, or not creating the love you desire. Payoffs are about hanging out in our comfort zone telling ourselves why we can't move forward in life. We become attached to the secondary gain out of misunderstanding, habit or fear. When you can identify the payoffs you are attached to, real change can begin to happen, both internally and then in your external environment. Please note that this isn't about blame. It's about growth and we all have opted for the payoff at one time or another.
So how do we understand what the payoff is and begin to change?
The first thing is to acknowledge that you are creating your reality and take responsibility for it. This is a Law of Attraction principle and is actually very empowering. It frees you from victim mentality.
Then, you must forgive yourself! Only through forgiveness can you release the problems. Everything is happening for our highest good and growth. These are all just experiences for us to aid our expansion into being more than we were. Now you are in a position to choose to create what you REALLY want! To assist you in this process, here are some payoffs that are commonly held. Sometimes you will have more than one payoff keeping you stuck.
See if you recognize yourself in any of these!
What do I get to avoid? Struggle can allow you to avoid responsibility, success, being vulnerable, love, being visible, or feeling your feelings.
Who do I get to punish or love? This can be very subtle. We punish by refusing to be happy or successful in order to prove that life is unfair, Mom and Dad were bad parents, or God let us down. Others didn't love you enough or were not good enough. We fail so someone will come to save us and apologize. The ego gets a sense of power by manipulating others in this way. The love aspect is when we don't succeed or be happy because we don't want to do better than our parents or others we care about because succeeding, especially succeeding easily, would demonstrate that all of their struggle and suffering was based on a flawed premise and we don't want them to feel bad.
Am I feeling righteous and dishonest emotions or real feelings? This happens when we try to act "spiritual" and "positive" rather than acknowledging our real feelings so we can release them. Instead, we hold on to the feelings and depress them. What often happens is that we end up complaining to everyone except the person involved who could actually do something about working through them with us. The other extreme is when someone exhibits what they consider to be "righteous anger," or exaggerated hurt or burden. It's basically a blame game and won't move you forward.
What guarantee am I holding out for? This is asking for a promise of the love, money, healing or success you want before you take action. No one can make that guarantee!
Am I manipulating with self-pity? The victim wants an audience to feel sorry for him/her. The martyr is the "silent sufferer". Martyrs expect everyone to know what is wrong and fix it. They secretly want everyone to save them and make their life work. Again, this really leaves you helpless! You are giving up your power.
Am I feeling better-than or less-than? If you feel better than others, or less than others, you are feeling entitled. You feel that you deserve special treatment. This is another subtle one, especially the "less-than" feeling.
What am I afraid of losing if I succeed? You fear you might lose friends, attention, excuses, invisibility, or the safety of mediocrity.
Some of these payoffs can be really hard to look at and acknowledge. Remember the step of self forgiveness and love yourself enough to take the bold step of facing your payoff. Once you realize what is holding you back you can let it move through you and replace it with the excitement of your vision for what you really do want. You step out of victim-hood and into your power. The rewards of doing so will be great!
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