One week you’re dead set on cooking for a living, the next you want to be a librarian.
The problem isn’t coming up with something you might want to do for a living, it’s committing to it. And the indecision is driving you crazy.
It’s not like you haven’t tried to nail it down. You’ve taken personality tests, read books on risk-taking, and completed countless personal development exercises.
And for a moment, you think you’ve figured it out. But only for a moment.
Then the doubt creeps in and you find yourself back at square one again. Are you really good at creating new recipes? Do you really have a passion for the Dewey decimal system or are you just an avid reader?
And then there’s the coup de grace, the voice in your head that says even if you knew what you wanted to do with your life, no one would hire you anyway.
Sigh. Better to just give up on the dream of meaningful work and make the best of what you have, right?
I see this quite often among my No Regrets clients, so if this sounds like you, know that you definitely aren’t alone. In my experience, the problem isn’t that you’re wishy-washy. The problem is that you’re suffering from one of three hidden psychological barriers.
She quit after a single day.
“It is barely glamorized slave labor,” she told me.
It’s easy to romanticize a career and imagine what it will be like. You see the job from the perspective of a customer and think you understand what the job entails.
On the other hand, Maria’s experience in the job was also limited to a particular establishment. For example, I know someone who created a beauty salon and spa in her house. She loves the work and it’s a truly unique experience for her clients too.
In another case, Colin came to me because he really wanted to open his own theater, but his wife was reluctant to agree because it would mean a significant drop in their standard of living.
I asked him how many theater owners he had surveyed and how much they made. It turned out he had never talked to one. Ideally, he’d talk to both those making more and less than he was hoping for, so he could start to get a sense of what made the difference and whether he was capable of performing to that standard.
I happened to have a friend who made quite a decent living at it. It was a single data point, but it was step in the right direction. His own network could probably yield several more.
It’s essential you gather enough information on potential careers to make an informed decision. This means getting real data, either through a test-drive or through interviews with people who have done what you want to do. Day-dreaming or relying on media representations of a career is not enough.
For one thing, you may be trying to answer questions for which you have no reference answers. That can be unsettling because our education system teaches us that there are right answers and wrong answers, and the right answers are those that have been externally validated (i.e. we don’t necessarily decide what’s right).
For example, my husband is fascinated by sailing stories filled with adventure. He admires sailors who sail around the world or participate in high stakes races. But if you ask him about his own happiest memories, they are nearly always quiet times with the family at home or drinking coffee at the local cafe.
For myself, I keep saying I want to be a writer, then I fall back in love with growing my business. I don’t think it has to be an either/or choice, but I’m forcing myself to acknowledge that writing may never become the highlight of my career the way I thought it would. And that’s okay.
The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is relevant here. For anything you’re feeling conflicted about, you should ask yourself, “What have I done to demonstrate this belief? Are my actions consistent or are they mostly what I would do, if only I had X?”
In my husband’s case, he always said he would do a lot more sailing, if only he didn’t have a job. So, he’s taking a year off of work to test that idea. I’m giving myself several months to exclusively focus on my business–while paying attention to how it feels not writing.
And if our dreams don’t turn out to be the career passions we imagined? We can keep them as a fun hobbies or side activities, and then move on to something else without second-guessing ourselves.
Defining yourself in this way can be scary, but it’s a lot better than always wondering “What if?”
The first is a fear that if you quit your job to pursue something else, and it doesn’t work out, the door is closed to ever returning to your previous job. Who says? I have a number of clients who tried out a new career, decided they were being too hard on their old job, and negotiated a return (usually with better benefits, not worse).
For example, one client moved to another state in order to get a graduate degree in public administration. Unfortunately, while in school she discovered she wasn’t all that interested in her post-graduate opportunities. We not only found a way for her to get her old job back, but they hired her as a virtual employee so she wouldn’t have to move again.
Chances are, if you’re missing your old workplace, they’re probably missing you too.
The other case where a fear of closing doors pops up is for those who love so many different things, they see choosing a career as a kind of rejection of the other possibilities. Such people are frequently called scanners or multi-potentialites.
One such client of mine, Andrew, felt a constant sense of dissatisfaction that he hadn’t found the right career. He struggled to choose a new direction, despite a long list of interesting options, because “it meant letting go of the imagined life each one could bring.”
When he forced himself to roughly prioritize his passions and committed to testing his ideas out, he found a career that allowed him to group three of his passions together. More importantly, he finally enjoyed what he was doing instead of always thinking about what he wasn’t.
It’s important to note that there are instances where closing doors is fairly easy. For example, when you get married, you presumably close the door on other relationships as well as a host of experiences and opportunities that are incompatible with the priorities of your marriage. Many of us not only close those doors willingly, but want to do so as early as possible.
Which suggests that something else is really at play when it comes to indecision…
Maria wasn’t just seeking peace, she needed to see herself as a peaceful person, someone capable of experiencing it in addition to providing it.
My husband wants to believe he is adventurous and a risk-taker. I want to believe I’m the next Malcolm Gladwell. Chances are, we’ve bundled our self-image into our passions.
Andrew realized it was his daydreams that were holding him back, not his realities.
I’ve listed three sources of our indecision, and that explains things at one level. But we can go a little deeper, can’t we?
Our indecision looks like a rational weighing of options. At its roots, however, we are often afraid that who we are and what we want is not enough.
The question is: enough for whom?
It’s your life, after all. What if you decided to live it as bravely and honestly as you can?
Then every decision becomes easier, because you know it’s one you can live with.
Source
The problem isn’t coming up with something you might want to do for a living, it’s committing to it. And the indecision is driving you crazy.
It’s not like you haven’t tried to nail it down. You’ve taken personality tests, read books on risk-taking, and completed countless personal development exercises.
And for a moment, you think you’ve figured it out. But only for a moment.
Then the doubt creeps in and you find yourself back at square one again. Are you really good at creating new recipes? Do you really have a passion for the Dewey decimal system or are you just an avid reader?
And then there’s the coup de grace, the voice in your head that says even if you knew what you wanted to do with your life, no one would hire you anyway.
Sigh. Better to just give up on the dream of meaningful work and make the best of what you have, right?
I see this quite often among my No Regrets clients, so if this sounds like you, know that you definitely aren’t alone. In my experience, the problem isn’t that you’re wishy-washy. The problem is that you’re suffering from one of three hidden psychological barriers.
Barrier #1: You don’t have enough information
Maria had tried so many unfulfilling jobs, she was burnt out. Knowing that she liked to help people, and needing a dose of peace and contentment herself, she thought a job as a spa therapist would be a perfect fit.She quit after a single day.
“It is barely glamorized slave labor,” she told me.
It’s easy to romanticize a career and imagine what it will be like. You see the job from the perspective of a customer and think you understand what the job entails.
On the other hand, Maria’s experience in the job was also limited to a particular establishment. For example, I know someone who created a beauty salon and spa in her house. She loves the work and it’s a truly unique experience for her clients too.
In another case, Colin came to me because he really wanted to open his own theater, but his wife was reluctant to agree because it would mean a significant drop in their standard of living.
I asked him how many theater owners he had surveyed and how much they made. It turned out he had never talked to one. Ideally, he’d talk to both those making more and less than he was hoping for, so he could start to get a sense of what made the difference and whether he was capable of performing to that standard.
I happened to have a friend who made quite a decent living at it. It was a single data point, but it was step in the right direction. His own network could probably yield several more.
It’s essential you gather enough information on potential careers to make an informed decision. This means getting real data, either through a test-drive or through interviews with people who have done what you want to do. Day-dreaming or relying on media representations of a career is not enough.
Barrier #2: You have conflicting visions of who you are
A big part of choosing a new career is making decisions about what you like and who you are. And while it seems like these should be the easiest questions of all to answer, they often aren’t.For one thing, you may be trying to answer questions for which you have no reference answers. That can be unsettling because our education system teaches us that there are right answers and wrong answers, and the right answers are those that have been externally validated (i.e. we don’t necessarily decide what’s right).
For example, my husband is fascinated by sailing stories filled with adventure. He admires sailors who sail around the world or participate in high stakes races. But if you ask him about his own happiest memories, they are nearly always quiet times with the family at home or drinking coffee at the local cafe.
For myself, I keep saying I want to be a writer, then I fall back in love with growing my business. I don’t think it has to be an either/or choice, but I’m forcing myself to acknowledge that writing may never become the highlight of my career the way I thought it would. And that’s okay.
The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is relevant here. For anything you’re feeling conflicted about, you should ask yourself, “What have I done to demonstrate this belief? Are my actions consistent or are they mostly what I would do, if only I had X?”
In my husband’s case, he always said he would do a lot more sailing, if only he didn’t have a job. So, he’s taking a year off of work to test that idea. I’m giving myself several months to exclusively focus on my business–while paying attention to how it feels not writing.
And if our dreams don’t turn out to be the career passions we imagined? We can keep them as a fun hobbies or side activities, and then move on to something else without second-guessing ourselves.
Defining yourself in this way can be scary, but it’s a lot better than always wondering “What if?”
Barrier #3: You’re afraid to close doors
This manifests itself in a couple of different ways.The first is a fear that if you quit your job to pursue something else, and it doesn’t work out, the door is closed to ever returning to your previous job. Who says? I have a number of clients who tried out a new career, decided they were being too hard on their old job, and negotiated a return (usually with better benefits, not worse).
For example, one client moved to another state in order to get a graduate degree in public administration. Unfortunately, while in school she discovered she wasn’t all that interested in her post-graduate opportunities. We not only found a way for her to get her old job back, but they hired her as a virtual employee so she wouldn’t have to move again.
Chances are, if you’re missing your old workplace, they’re probably missing you too.
The other case where a fear of closing doors pops up is for those who love so many different things, they see choosing a career as a kind of rejection of the other possibilities. Such people are frequently called scanners or multi-potentialites.
One such client of mine, Andrew, felt a constant sense of dissatisfaction that he hadn’t found the right career. He struggled to choose a new direction, despite a long list of interesting options, because “it meant letting go of the imagined life each one could bring.”
When he forced himself to roughly prioritize his passions and committed to testing his ideas out, he found a career that allowed him to group three of his passions together. More importantly, he finally enjoyed what he was doing instead of always thinking about what he wasn’t.
It’s important to note that there are instances where closing doors is fairly easy. For example, when you get married, you presumably close the door on other relationships as well as a host of experiences and opportunities that are incompatible with the priorities of your marriage. Many of us not only close those doors willingly, but want to do so as early as possible.
Which suggests that something else is really at play when it comes to indecision…
Are you afraid of embracing your true self?
Speaking for myself, I know the reason I was so eager to get married the first time, even to someone who killed my cat, was that it represented something about me, not just to me. My father used to tell me I was incapable of real love. I was desperate to shed that image and prove him wrong.Maria wasn’t just seeking peace, she needed to see herself as a peaceful person, someone capable of experiencing it in addition to providing it.
My husband wants to believe he is adventurous and a risk-taker. I want to believe I’m the next Malcolm Gladwell. Chances are, we’ve bundled our self-image into our passions.
Andrew realized it was his daydreams that were holding him back, not his realities.
I’ve listed three sources of our indecision, and that explains things at one level. But we can go a little deeper, can’t we?
Our indecision looks like a rational weighing of options. At its roots, however, we are often afraid that who we are and what we want is not enough.
The question is: enough for whom?
It’s your life, after all. What if you decided to live it as bravely and honestly as you can?
Then every decision becomes easier, because you know it’s one you can live with.
Source
Do you sometimes (or always) feel like you have too much to do and too little time to do it?
Consider an email I got from a student the other day:
“… as the semester goes by, the harder it is to keep up with school. The thing is, I know I’d be able to do it if I didn’t have any extracurricular activities. I have a weekend job where I teach youths, a youth group where I currently lead social justice, and I was just asked by someone to lead prayer group.
“Right now, the only way to do everything is to sleep less and work more, but I noticed that I can’t do much when I haven’t gotten much sleep. I wanted to take care of my body as well so I’ve been sleeping normally these past few days. Now I’m behind everything again; I have two big assignments due and midterms next week.”
I know this feeling, because that’s how I felt before I started simplifying my life. I was being pulled in all directions, and never had enough time for everything I needed to do. I wanted to do a great job with each role I’d taken on, and felt I could do it, but really I was doing a bad job at everything because I was stretched too thin.
To this student, and to everyone else who feels this way, I’d say this: your plate is too full. You have too much going on.
The only answer, unless you want your health to decline (and that’s not good for anyone), is to start saying No.
The Whys of Saying No
You have to say No to at least a couple things on your list: say No to prayer group and the youth group, so that you can say Yes to school and the job.For anyone else reading this, you might have to say No to certain work projects, or community groups, or committees or boards or parent-teacher organizations or coaching sports or some other worthwhile activity.
I know, it seems horrible to say No when these are very worthy things to do. It kills you to say No.
But the alternative is that you’re going to do a bad job at each one, and be stressed beyond your limits, and not be able to focus on any one. You won’t be getting enough sleep, your focus will get worse because of a lack of sleep, and stress will compound that problem.
We stay in this state because we really want to do it all. We have this idea that we can be great at everything, and succeed at all that we try. But we are human, and we have limits, and we have to let go of this idea of doing everything and doing it well. You’re either going to do a couple things well, or do everything poorly.
Do a Couple Things Well
Ideally, you’d find complete focus and do one thing well. You’d pick one really important thing, say No to all the rest, and put your complete focus on this one project. This might be school, or a project at work, or a volunteer project … but just one thing. You’d learn to do it well, and get better and better at it, and serve people exceptionally.However, that’s not reality. We can’t always pare things down to one thing, so focus on two. I’ve found that you can do two things well, and one thing really well. With two focuses, you won’t be as concentrated, won’t learn as deeply, but it’s doable. With three or four focuses, you won’t do anything well or learn anything deeply or serve anyone exceptionally.
So start paring down to two things: figure out what the most important two things in your life are, and cut out the rest. Be ruthless. Call or email or meet with them now, and tell them that you really want to help, but your plate is too full. You can’t serve them well, so you need to say No.
When you’re down to two things, I’ve found it best to give each some allotted time. So a few hours for one, and then a few hours for the other. Don’t switch back and forth constantly between the two (an email for one, write a paragraph for the other, go back to email for the first one, a paragraph for the second, and so on). Doing it that way means you never give either your full concentration. When you give something your focus, really be present.
Saying No to worthwhile projects, and letting go of the idea that we can do everything, is very difficult. But it’s not more difficult than trying to do everything and not getting enough sleep and being overly stressed out. Saying No is hard, but it means you say Yes to focus and sanity.
Source
Are you a happy person? How often do you think of reasons why everyone around you is successful though they are not better than you in general? What do you do wrong?
Success comes to those who wait, they say. As far as you understand,
simple waiting is not enough to bring you luck, happiness and success.
So, maybe it is high time to change your attitude to everything and
everyone around, and stop doing those things that prevent you from
becoming successful?
What are they actually?
1. Do not let others decide what “success” is for you.
Different people may interpret “success” in different ways: some of
them measure it in money, other ones – in positive changes to people
around them and the world in general. If you want to be successful, do
not let others force their interpretation of success on you; do not
worry about what other people think, and come after what makes you
happy.
2. Do not believe anything without questioning it.
Successful people do not just accept any new information to be true.
They are critical thinkers, and they understand that we all (even
“qualified” sources) are ruled by our prejudices; so, they will always
question new information and maintain some healthy skepticism.
3. Do not worry about all unpredictable things that may happen to you.
If you want to be successful, stop thinking about everything that MAY
happen to you. Try to feel comfortable with the reality and accept the
fact your future can’t be predicted. Be ready to improvise and change
your deeds and decisions when things suddenly don’t go according to your
plan.
4. Do not feel stressed or depressed about criticism.
Try to stay calm and pay no attention to negative comments or
personal attacks you may get from others online. Successful people are
concentrated on making this world and people better, but they will never
respond to every comment they get from foes.
5. Do not expect success to come easy or quickly.
Successful people understand there can’t be any universal scheme on
becoming rich, slim, loved, etc. Do not expect that all those “lose 10
kilos for 3 days” or “get rich in a month” will work for you: you are an
individual, you have your own pace, you should find your own way to
your success.
6. Do not wait for the “right time” to do anything.
Do not hesitate chasing your ambition, because there will never be
the “right time” to do anything. Successful people perfectly understand
this fact, and you would probably agree with it when you tried to
remember how many times you postponed doing things after telling
yourself something like “it’s not a right time for this now”.
7. Do not ignore problems.
Successful people never ignore or avoid problems, no matter how big
and awful they seem; because they understand: if they put a problem off
it will not disappear but turn into a bigger one. So, try to confront
your pressing concern as soon as possible.
8. Do not be afraid of responsibility.
There can’t be a successful person without responsibility. Yes, we
all are people and we all make mistakes, but if you want to be
successful you should always accept responsibility for your words and
actions.
9. Do not care about what other people think of you.
As far as we all know, it’s impossible to please all the people who
surround us. Your attempts to become “good” for everyone will turn into
nothing but new worries, stresses, and problems. Successful people do
not concentrate on quantity of people to please, but worry about their
quality and focus on developing friendships with people they really care
about.
10. Do not forget people who are important to you.
It does not matter how busy a successful person is, they will always
find time to care about their families, friends, and all other people
who are really important to them. Your business can’t be an excuse of
your indifference.
Success is good, but you should understand that life will get depressing without friendship and love.
@YogaWithAdriene has done it again, yet another way yoga can help you deal with the trials and tribulations of everyday life...
Growing up is hard enough. Why make it harder on purpose?
I remember being 11-years old and getting plucked from one country to
another – Iran to Turkey to be exact – only to be plucked again at 14
from Turkey to America. Try adjusting as a normal kid in an American
high school as a kid from the middle east. Yeah. That was not fun.
I’m sure your childhood was hard in its own way. Your family doesn’t
have to move across countries and oceans and introduce you to double
culture shocks for childhood to be hard. A stupid kid bullying you is
enough to give you self-esteem issues for years. A rejection from your
first attempt at dating can be traumatic enough to make you doubt
yourself for years.
So if you had a hard time growing up to be confident, independent, and accepting of yourself, then you are not alone, darling, and thankfully, neither am I.
But one day, you wake up as an adult – and even if you don’t feel
like an adult, you still get to be the dreadful age you never EVER
imagined you would be, 20 something, 30 something or gasp, 40 something
and beyond – and it turns out that those assumptions you made about
life, people, and most importantly, about your own amazing self, turn
out to be false. Untrue. Lies even. Awful, terrible and harmful lies.
What now? You need a new game plan, that’s what.
What actually happens when you feed the lies?
Do you know what happens when you believe something that is not true?
It destroys the purity of your spirit. It takes away the richness of
life and gives you dull colors and grey skies in exchange. It robs of
your joy, your genius, your worthiness and you allow it to keep
happening because you don’t even know the depth of damage.
How terrible is this? Whilst you wouldn’t admit it loudly, you held
on to a “fact” for years – even decades – because some fat bully from
middle school called you a name and everyone – or rather, three junior
bullies around him or her – laughed at you. When you went home, you told
nobody about what happened, and you called them dummies and idiots but a
sliver of doubt began to form inside you and a part of you wondered if
they were right.
Newsflash: They weren’t. They were just too dumb to know any better.
Those stupid bullies had their own issues. Perhaps their parents did
not know how to love them and raise them to be compassionate adults.
Perhaps their parents had awful upbringings of their own and the cycle
just continued, but know this: they were wrong and what they said was
anything but true.
Maybe you can find it in your heart to forgive them and then to forgive yourself for believing the falsehood, and for betraying yourself all these years.
Maybe you can begin the healing right now, because false assumptions
are not your fault, these are lies that your mind loves to tell you.
But here’s the kicker: the healing part is entirely in your hands. You don’t have to live an unhappy life now because of what happened then. You can either begin to heal those wounds, or to continue hurting.
If you want to heal, and stop being so unsatisfied with your life,
keep reading the 9 lies you tell yourself, lies that hold you back in
life, lies that no happy person would believe in their right mind.
9 Lies Your Mind Loves to Tell You
1. She/he can do that because ______ but I can’t do that.
Nonsense. Complete and utter nonsense. What is it others can do that
you can’t do? Run a marathon? Be flexible? Get straight As? Look
glamorous? Make a lot of money? All of the above? Be careful what your
mind tells you because that’s where your future is shaped, right there
in between your own ears. Decide to believe you can do whatever the hell
you desire, and nothing can stop you.
2. I need ______ in order to do _____.
Do you, really? This “I need something to happen before something else can happen”, is it true? I need money to be happy. I need a job and a raise
before I can find friends. I need furniture before I can throw a party.
I need friends to be loved. I need a house/car/nice clothes to be
successful. Total rubbish. You need only inner peace, a determined mind
and an open heart to go for anything. The rest is detail.
3. I don’t feel like it.
This is not a fact, this is a transitory mood, and you are a powerful
human being and can decide to be in any mood you wish. That’s right.
Your own mood is within your own power. But only yours, not anyone
else’s so stick to you. Here’s the cure to the “I don’t feel like it” syndrome.
4. I am too old / too broke / too ______ to change.
More nonsense. Age is a state of mind, and most of us are too young
to even know the meaning of this phrase. But our thinking makes us old,
it ages us faster, and it robs our energy and productivity. So next time
you hear this lie, re-phrase it: I am the perfect age, the perfect
financial stage, the perfect time and place in my life to make this
change.
5. It’s easy for you to say.
What does that even mean? Of course things are easy to say. They are
easier to say than to do, because doing takes effort. Do you want to
just snap your fingers like a little genie to get everything you want?
Is anything less disappointing and unacceptable? Then perhaps you landed
in the wrong universe. Stop saying this useless rubbish phrase. Replace
it with it’s possible for me. It’s entirely possible for me. Then go
for it.
6. I should or should not ______
Should is a funny word, it makes us feel all important and
self-disciplined, and I used to “should” all over the place but I see
just how much this sneaky word limited me. When you hear your mind go
here, ask why? Explore. Go deeper. What is the assumption that makes you
say that? And perhaps, we just abuse the poor word so here’s a good
use: You should indeed do whatever it is you desire. No?
7. That’s not fair. Life isn’t fair.
And who defines fair? Arguing with reality is a lose-lose game, as Byron Katie so beautifully points out in The Work.
Ask yourself instead: Is it absolutely true that it’s not fair, and
find at least one thing that is purely and utterly and sweetly fair in
your life, and that breaks down the lie for you right there.
8. Nobody understands me. I am all alone
Impossible. You mean in the billions of people populating this
universe, nobody understands you. Or do you mean just of the 15 people
in your immediate surrounding? That’s not everyone. Everyone is a big
number, and you can explore to the end of time and not get finished
getting to them all. Instead, why not say, those I hang out with
regularly don’t seem to understand me, perhaps I should surround myself
with those who do. Then do just that.
Example: If you want to be an entrepreneur, stop hanging out with corporate types. Join the right communities, like this one.
9. It’s not my fault. It’s theirs.
Do you secretly blame your parents, teachers, boss, spouse/partner or
kids? You can keep doing it, just know that there is no way to escape
lifelong bitterness and unhappiness if you do. There is no blaming in
the journey to happiness and inner peace. There is acceptance and taking absolute responsibility for your own happiness.
You do want to be happy, don’t you?
Your turn? What’s the worst lie you believe?
So leave a comment below to tell me your thoughts. This was a bit
of tough love but someone has to tell you about the lies you tell
yourself or you’d go on believing life to be anything less than
extraordinary.
Source
Imagine this. You are in a good mood today. There’s something you are
really happy about and you decide to tell your friend to share the
excitement. However, your friend listens mainly in nonchalance while you
are gushing away. Worse still, he/she starts giving his/her 2 cents
about how it’s really not that great. Talk about a wet blanket! Before
you know it, your mood switched 180 degrees, from a happy state to one
of annoyance and irritation.
Does this sound familiar? This is a typical behavior of critical people. Critical people can be real downers, just like energy vampires. No
matter what you say, they always find some way to derail the mood of
the conversation. You can’t ever remember when was the last time they
gave a compliment or encouragement. They have an uncanny ability to
scrutinize and zoom into every little problem there is. Following which,
they fixate on these issues and offer unwanted opinions on them. If
that’s not enough, they top it off with their projection of all the
possible bad things that can happen.
In Are You Emotionally Generous?, I shared
why we should be cut out the emotional stinginess and why emotional
generosity is the way to go. Critical people are emotionally stingy,
because they are so bent on harping on “flaws” and what’s not there.
They seem to have an automatic filter which mentally blocks out whatever
goodness before them. Rather than give praise, they can only criticize.
8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People
Naturally, critical people aren’t the first people you’d think of
hanging out with. While you can try to get out of their way, you are
bound to run into one or two of them in school or at work. Here are my 8
tips on how to handle them:
1. Don’t Take It Personally
Most of the times, their criticisms reflect more about
themselves than about you. They react in this manner because of certain
beliefs and frameworks they have about life. You may think the critical
person is all out to get you, but it’s more likely he/she reacts in this
same manner toward everyone else too.
Here’s one simple way to check – Think about the common friends you
have with the critical person. If possible, identify people of the same
standing as you, so it’s comparable. After this, try to be present the
next time they are with each other and observe how the critical person
interacts with him/her. How does the critical person behave? Does he/she
give the same pattern of comments? Does he/she focus on the negative
things? Does he/she come across as critical? Chances are high that it’s
going to be a yes.
I used to take a critical friend’s comments to heart. I’d wonder why
she was always so discouraging, and would feel defensive when she voiced
out with her unwelcomed criticism. However, when I observed her
treatment of our common friends, I realized she did this with others
too. Same comments, same criticisms, same hang-ups with them, even
though I never saw anything wrong with our common friends. Not only
that, there was a trend in what she said and harped on. It was then that
I realized it wasn’t about me; it was her inner frameworks. It was a
liberating realization. From there on, I no longer took anything she
said personally and was able to objectify the situation.
2. Objectify the Comments – Understand the Underlying Message
Sometimes, I feel critical people are just misunderstood. They may be
trying to offer an opinion that’s misinterpreted due to their lack of
tact. At times, this swirls into a big misunderstanding. They become
labeled as *ssholes even though they really aren’t trying to be.
Unfortunately, people become hung up over “how” communication is done (the words used, the tone of communication), rather than “what”
is being communicated (the message). The former ensures the message is
conveyed correctly, but ultimately it is the message that matters.
Critical people may be curt, but we are the ones who choose to attach
the negativity to their words. Critical people may lack tact, but that’s
because they lack awareness of how their behavior impacts others. You
may be surprised, but sometimes they are really just clueless on how
they are coming across until they see themselves in action. If you are
taking their comments negatively when they don’t intend to be negative
at all, that’s probably the worst way to expend your energy.
Filter through their words (more importantly, your interpretations of
their words) and get down to the real message. What are they trying to
communicate? Why are they saying these things? What are their
intentions? Are they really trying to be *ssholes or is it a different
intention?
Behind their words may lie great insights. If you can get past the “how” and get down to the “what“, you gain access to valuable feedback for improvement. Two powerful things occur here:
- Firstly, you are a step ahead in your journey of conscious living because you are no longer behaving in a reactive manner.
- Secondly, you are literally more knowledgeable now that you know the real intent of their feedback. This can be constructively used in your journey of self-improvement. Neither of these can happen if you are hung up over the criticism.
The previous company I worked at is an American MNC, so the
communication was often direct and to the point. There were times when
people would be overly curt and blunt, especially when caught in
pressing situations and tight timelines. One of the general managers was
well known for his fiery temper, lashing out with verbal attacks and
swearing at people when things were not going well.
While some might gasp at this behavior, there is really no reason to
take offense, because that’s just how he chooses to communicate. Of
course it’d be ideal if everyone communicates in a sociably tactful
manner, but ultimately you can’t change how others act. You can however,
change how you perceive something. What really matters is the message
the person is trying to convey, more than what exactly is being said.
Needless to say, the ones who chose to see the comments in a negative
light put themselves through unnecessary unhappiness; the ones who
sieved through the words and got to the essence of the message were able
to improve based on the feedback. My past experience has made me more
perceptive because rather than focus on exact words being said, I listen
to what the person is communicating. The ability to actively “listen” beyond words is critical for all of us in connecting and building strong relationships.
3. Take it as a Source of Honest Feedback
Honesty can never be underrated.
Take their criticisms as a source of reliable, honest feedback, rather
than seeing them as uninvited criticisms. At least with them, you know
what you see is what you get.
I would much rather be out with a direct, blunt person than with
someone who is seemingly nice but is fake. Some people pretend to be
nice and supportive in front of you, when in actuality they are not in
agreement and they are just concealing their misgivings. I’ve come
across a couple of such people, and while the friendship initially
starts off on a high note, the revelation of their dishonesty later on
disgusts me to no end and puts an abrupt end to the friendship. On the
other hand, I have friends who may be uncomfortably blunt when I first
know them, but later reveal themselves to be true gems because they are
reliable and true to their words.
4. Address Your Discomfort Within
Just as their criticisms reflect something about their inner
frameworks, our discomfort with their criticisms reflects something
about our inner frameworks too, especially if we are bothered by it.
If I ever feel uncomfortable about others’ comments, I’ll look within
to understand why I’m feeling that way. Chances are, it made me
uncomfortable because it has struck a chord with an inner belief. The
next step is then on me to discover what it is. This is consistent with
everything we face in life too. Sources of discomfort should be seen as a
compass for growth.
Ask yourself – Why am I feeling uncomfortable with his/her
comment? Why am I unhappy about what he/she just said? What is it about
it that is bothering me?
Keep asking and drilling down to the root cause.
The first set of answers will be directed toward the external world,
such as issues with the other person. However, as you keep drilling
down, the answers change from outward-directed to inward-directed.
This means the discomfort is not because of the person; it’s really
because of something in you. It could be a certain belief or a certain
similar situation from the past. The final answer should be one which
helps you gain closure on your discomfort and helps you to directly act
on the situation by your own actions, without expecting anyone else to
change.
5. Don’t “Ask” for Opinions if You Can’t Take It
If you can’t take what the person has to say, then don’t ask for
his/her opinion. This includes invitations for opinions, by virtue of
just talking on the topic. Critical people like to dispense their
opinions even where they are not asked, so just make sure you don’t
mention it in front of them.
Some of my friends would complain about how their critical friends
put them down all the time. Yet for some reason, they keep putting
themselves in the receiving end of criticisms after that. In a way it’s
probably done subconsciously for validation and acceptance, simply
because it’s so hard to get encouragement from critical people.
However, the natural reaction of critical people is to criticize, not
praise. So if you talk to them about something in hopes they will
respond in enthusiasm and encouragement, stop doing it. You have seen
their critical behavior in action before, so it shouldn’t surprise you
if they continue to dish out criticisms at what you say. Albert Einstein
would tell you that doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and he’s
right. If you still insist on putting yourself in the same situation,
then you really have no one else to blame but yourself!
6. Disengage from their Criticism / Ignore Them
Here’s an insightful story I’ve heard several times before, but never grow tired of:
Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good. There was a man who knew about his reputation and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly; he insulted him; he challenged him; he did everything he could to offend Buddha.
Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”
The man responded with, “Well, what?”
Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?”
The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it.”
Buddha smiled, “That is correct. So if I decline to accept your abuse, does it not then still belong to you?”
The man was speechless and walked away.
Some people may voluntarily offer criticisms, even when you’re not
asking for them. These criticisms may well be out of line and done in
poor taste. One way you can respond is to retaliate in anger.
However, since the person must have a lot of angst to be voluntarily
dispensing criticisms in the first place, your retaliation will probably
only invite more of such comments from him/her. No sooner will this
become a heated, ugly debate with one another – one which is unlikely to
end well.
As they say about online flaming – “Don’t feed the trolls”. If you
can’t stop them from voicing their opinions, then you have an option of
ignoring them. Give a simple 1-2 liner response, one that acknowledges
receipt of the comment but doesn’t engage further in the discussion. And
if the person presses on, then just ignore him/her altogether. At this
point, it’s obvious that he/she wants to ignite a response in you. By
not doing so, you maintain your locus of control of the situation.
Just as the critical people need to take responsibility for their
comments, we have to take responsibility for receiving the
negativity too. With every occurrence, there is always the event itself,
and our perception of the event. We can’t change how people want to act
or talk around us, but we can change how we act around them. We always have a choice. If we don’t want to accept the negativity, then just don’t accept it. The negativity is not ours if we don’t take it.
7. Show Them Kindness
This may be a huge leap forward for some. You are probably wondering: “Why should I be kind to them? They are causing me so much anguish as it is. They most certainly don’t deserve my kindness!”
I watched Peaceful Warrior about half a year ago, and there was a quote I really liked:
“The people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most.”
I thought this is a very powerful quote. It’s true, isn’t it? If you
think about it, why are the critical people so critical? Why is it so
hard for them to be positive? Why are they so scarce with their
emotions? It’s because they lack it themselves. This is why they are not
able to offer it to others. And if they are so critical to others,
chances are they treat themselves with the same, if not higher, level of
criticism. They aren’t even giving themselves the love they desire.
Treat them with kindness. Be generous with your emotions
with them. Drop them a compliment. Give them a smile. Say hi. Ask them
out for a meal. Help them out in areas you know they can benefit from
your help. Get to know them personally. Don’t judge the effectiveness
of your actions by their initial reactions.
They may react adversely at first, but that’s because they are caught
off guard by your behavior. Likelihood is, they are wary because they
have rarely been treated in this manner. Just continue on with your
kindness, and soon enough they will react with positivity too.
While the effects may not be immediate and it may just be a small
improvement in your eyes, in their universe it’s a huge shift. And
through time, your relationship with the person will evolve into a
different one altogether.
8. Avoid Them
Where all else fails, simply avoid them altogether.
Reduce contact, limit conversations with him/her, hang out with others
if it’s a group outing, or as a last resort – cut him/her out of your
life. Even if both of you are from the same team and in the same
workplace, you can’t be working with each other 24/7. Use a combination
of all 7 approaches above in the times you absolutely have to interact,
then just steer clear of him/her during the other times.
I have a friend who is particularly critical. Being around her feels
suffocating. No matter what I talk about, she’d have a way to add a
negative slant. For example, if I’m sharing about something I’m excited
over, she’d reply with some lackluster comment, about how it’s not such a
big deal or it’s just normal. In our day-to-day conversations, she
barely has anything encouraging or positive to say, choosing to focus on
the “bad” things. Even when it comes to seeking solace, it’s hard to
get an empathetic response. Half the time, I feel like I need to ready
myself for a negative comment. Because of this, she has been repelling
her friends, including me, over the years.
Sometimes it may just be that both of you are not compatible as friends at this phase of your lives, and that both of you are better off apart from each other. If the relationship is causing you anguish, then do yourself and the person a favor by breaking it off.
Everyone can relate to the fear of failure at some point in his
or her life. When a positive trait like achievement becomes too strong
in someone's life, its on the way to becoming a major handicap. Often
time's we view failure as more of a bigger story we tell ourselves "I am
not good enough" " I will never become a successful entrepreneur" "My
ex spouse was right- I'll never make it on my own-I am a loser."
However, we have to remind ourselves it is just that-a story. We have to
reframe our minds and turn failures as something positive and something
we can learn from. It's important to not turn to external activities
(drinking, drugs, eating etc ) to avoid your fear of failure and instead
create more positive ways to deal with it.
Here are 5 Tools to Get Over Your Fear of Failure:
1. Talking it Out
It
is important to face your fears and not suppress them by having someone
you can trust to discuss your discomforts or shortcomings. By having
someone to talk to about your fears it can better frame the situation by
objectively looking at it from afar and realizing that the big problem
was not so big after all. By talking with someone its also important to
not dwell on your fears and an opportunity to strategize how you can
break down the tasks into smaller pieces to not make it look so daunting
and motivate you to face your fears.
2. Meditation
Meditation
is an excellent way to reduce fears of failure. As you begin practice
you begin to notice patterns of fear arise and the hold they have on
you. With practice you can recognize these thoughts as just
that-thoughts-and not to become attached to them. You'll no longer find
your subconscious fear or resentment running your life from beneath your
awareness. Through meditation, as you train yourself to not let your
emotions control you or to be completely subject to them it will become
easier to do this in your life as a whole as well.
3. Surround Yourself with Positivity
Another
tool to help you with your fear of failure is to surround yourself with
positivity. Getting rid of toxic people in your life who only dwell on
why something will and cannot be done is not very motivating and puts
additional fears into your mind. Also, do not read negative media often.
Sure it is important to keep up with world events but constantly
listening to the traffic accident on the highway or the latest terrorist
attack is stifling in your attempt to move forward in your own personal
goals. Your physical surroundings are key as well. If you work from
home and hate the colour of your walls, do not get enough sunlight and
are not energized by your atmosphere that can make things worse.
Surround yourself with pictures, positive affirmations, and anything
else that generally makes you feel good to improve your mindset and
attitude towards your goals.
4. Failing More Leads to Success
Yes
that's right-failing more leads to success! Persistence is key.
Successful people do not give up after suffering a defeat. Even Malcolm
Gladwell said it takes roughly 10,000 hours of practice to achieve
mastery in a field. Statistics say that most entrepreneurs fail in their
first business and that on average they finally succeed on their third
business attempt. Failure seems to be the stepping stone to success.
Understanding what happened and what you learned from it is the most
important aspect of failing and the wisdom you will bring towards your
next attempt of success. We all fail, its how quickly you pick yourself
up and how long you waste time feeling sorry for yourself that usually
determines success.
5. Self Growth
Every time you fail, your
fear of failure becomes much smaller, which allows you to take on even
bigger challenges. Each failure makes you stronger, bigger, and better.
Failure teaches you that a certain approach may not be ideal for a
specific situation and there are better approaches. Every mistake is a
learning opportunity and a chance to look at your mistakes with a new
perspective. Failing is essential in personal development and you simply
will never grow as a person if you don't put yourself out there and be
willing to try and inevitably make mistakes.
So there you have it
folks! Setting yourself up for failure is integral to your success in
your personal and professional development. Just remember that failure
is a stepping stone to your goals and to not let the failure define you
as a person.
Almost everyone one of us has our own dreams but very few of us are able to realize them. Although it's too easy to blame the circumstances and things that are totally out of our control for our suffering and misery. But the fact is, there are things within us, which hold us back from realizing our dreams.
It is often noticed that people are more feared about the uncertainty, rather than the possible worst outcome. We are often so stuck in WHAT IF scenario that we didn't even dare took any initiative to try anything out. This is because the uncertainty is far more threatening than the actual outcome. The moment we realize any possible outcome we start working toward it. But it is because of that death trap of what if that might happen or if that might not happen that holds us back. So, if we really want to get out of this trap, we need to realize the fact that moving out and doing is always better than being stuck and doing nothing.
At times, we are held back by our self-created inner fears. We anticipate the worst-case scenario and think about it over and over so that we start believing it to be true. In this case, our power and energy are diverted to things that simply hold us back. These fears are nothing except our self-imaginations. We can only overcome these fears by taking initiative. It's mostly the first step that is most difficult. Because with time we learn things and become strong enough to defeat these fears. These self-created deceptive fears can only be defeated by practical steps taken.
Have you ever seen people who are spending their lives in the same way, even in the same pattern years after years? Yet they are the people who are most desperate to change their lives. But they can't help themselves to do anything that might change their lives. These are the people who are the victims of the comfort zone. It is too hard to leave our comfort zone because it is a routine where we see no failure no defeat. This is just because we are not doing anything new. The comfort zone is simply slow poisoning. It makes us believe that everything is just perfect, so it stops us from doing anything new. But if we fail to change ourselves with time. If we are too afraid to take the risk to do better things. Things that are uncertain and difficult but, which are far more rewarding. We will eventually find ourselves as being stuck at the same point.
I know it's too hard to break this comfort zone, but it's still better to break it rather than allowing it to break us. There are a few simple things that we can do to get out of it eventually. Firstly, think of the things we dream of, things that inspire us. And then surround ourselves with the people who are into this. This might seem useless at first. But trust me with time we will be inspired by them. We will develop enough strength to try things out by our own self.
We have to be sure of the fact that life is too short to be stuck to one place. And at times it's merely the lack of courage rather than the lack of skill that holds us back. Next time if you find yourself being stuck, make sure it's not because of these self-created traps.
Source
