One week you’re dead set on cooking for a living, the next you want to be a librarian.
The problem isn’t coming up with something you might want to do for a living, it’s committing to it. And the indecision is driving you crazy.
It’s not like you haven’t tried to nail it down. You’ve taken personality tests, read books on risk-taking, and completed countless personal development exercises.
And for a moment, you think you’ve figured it out. But only for a moment.
Then the doubt creeps in and you find yourself back at square one again. Are you really good at creating new recipes? Do you really have a passion for the Dewey decimal system or are you just an avid reader?
And then there’s the coup de grace, the voice in your head that says even if you knew what you wanted to do with your life, no one would hire you anyway.
Sigh. Better to just give up on the dream of meaningful work and make the best of what you have, right?
I see this quite often among my No Regrets clients, so if this sounds like you, know that you definitely aren’t alone. In my experience, the problem isn’t that you’re wishy-washy. The problem is that you’re suffering from one of three hidden psychological barriers.
She quit after a single day.
“It is barely glamorized slave labor,” she told me.
It’s easy to romanticize a career and imagine what it will be like. You see the job from the perspective of a customer and think you understand what the job entails.
On the other hand, Maria’s experience in the job was also limited to a particular establishment. For example, I know someone who created a beauty salon and spa in her house. She loves the work and it’s a truly unique experience for her clients too.
In another case, Colin came to me because he really wanted to open his own theater, but his wife was reluctant to agree because it would mean a significant drop in their standard of living.
I asked him how many theater owners he had surveyed and how much they made. It turned out he had never talked to one. Ideally, he’d talk to both those making more and less than he was hoping for, so he could start to get a sense of what made the difference and whether he was capable of performing to that standard.
I happened to have a friend who made quite a decent living at it. It was a single data point, but it was step in the right direction. His own network could probably yield several more.
It’s essential you gather enough information on potential careers to make an informed decision. This means getting real data, either through a test-drive or through interviews with people who have done what you want to do. Day-dreaming or relying on media representations of a career is not enough.
For one thing, you may be trying to answer questions for which you have no reference answers. That can be unsettling because our education system teaches us that there are right answers and wrong answers, and the right answers are those that have been externally validated (i.e. we don’t necessarily decide what’s right).
For example, my husband is fascinated by sailing stories filled with adventure. He admires sailors who sail around the world or participate in high stakes races. But if you ask him about his own happiest memories, they are nearly always quiet times with the family at home or drinking coffee at the local cafe.
For myself, I keep saying I want to be a writer, then I fall back in love with growing my business. I don’t think it has to be an either/or choice, but I’m forcing myself to acknowledge that writing may never become the highlight of my career the way I thought it would. And that’s okay.
The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is relevant here. For anything you’re feeling conflicted about, you should ask yourself, “What have I done to demonstrate this belief? Are my actions consistent or are they mostly what I would do, if only I had X?”
In my husband’s case, he always said he would do a lot more sailing, if only he didn’t have a job. So, he’s taking a year off of work to test that idea. I’m giving myself several months to exclusively focus on my business–while paying attention to how it feels not writing.
And if our dreams don’t turn out to be the career passions we imagined? We can keep them as a fun hobbies or side activities, and then move on to something else without second-guessing ourselves.
Defining yourself in this way can be scary, but it’s a lot better than always wondering “What if?”
The first is a fear that if you quit your job to pursue something else, and it doesn’t work out, the door is closed to ever returning to your previous job. Who says? I have a number of clients who tried out a new career, decided they were being too hard on their old job, and negotiated a return (usually with better benefits, not worse).
For example, one client moved to another state in order to get a graduate degree in public administration. Unfortunately, while in school she discovered she wasn’t all that interested in her post-graduate opportunities. We not only found a way for her to get her old job back, but they hired her as a virtual employee so she wouldn’t have to move again.
Chances are, if you’re missing your old workplace, they’re probably missing you too.
The other case where a fear of closing doors pops up is for those who love so many different things, they see choosing a career as a kind of rejection of the other possibilities. Such people are frequently called scanners or multi-potentialites.
One such client of mine, Andrew, felt a constant sense of dissatisfaction that he hadn’t found the right career. He struggled to choose a new direction, despite a long list of interesting options, because “it meant letting go of the imagined life each one could bring.”
When he forced himself to roughly prioritize his passions and committed to testing his ideas out, he found a career that allowed him to group three of his passions together. More importantly, he finally enjoyed what he was doing instead of always thinking about what he wasn’t.
It’s important to note that there are instances where closing doors is fairly easy. For example, when you get married, you presumably close the door on other relationships as well as a host of experiences and opportunities that are incompatible with the priorities of your marriage. Many of us not only close those doors willingly, but want to do so as early as possible.
Which suggests that something else is really at play when it comes to indecision…
Maria wasn’t just seeking peace, she needed to see herself as a peaceful person, someone capable of experiencing it in addition to providing it.
My husband wants to believe he is adventurous and a risk-taker. I want to believe I’m the next Malcolm Gladwell. Chances are, we’ve bundled our self-image into our passions.
Andrew realized it was his daydreams that were holding him back, not his realities.
I’ve listed three sources of our indecision, and that explains things at one level. But we can go a little deeper, can’t we?
Our indecision looks like a rational weighing of options. At its roots, however, we are often afraid that who we are and what we want is not enough.
The question is: enough for whom?
It’s your life, after all. What if you decided to live it as bravely and honestly as you can?
Then every decision becomes easier, because you know it’s one you can live with.
Source
The problem isn’t coming up with something you might want to do for a living, it’s committing to it. And the indecision is driving you crazy.
It’s not like you haven’t tried to nail it down. You’ve taken personality tests, read books on risk-taking, and completed countless personal development exercises.
And for a moment, you think you’ve figured it out. But only for a moment.
Then the doubt creeps in and you find yourself back at square one again. Are you really good at creating new recipes? Do you really have a passion for the Dewey decimal system or are you just an avid reader?
And then there’s the coup de grace, the voice in your head that says even if you knew what you wanted to do with your life, no one would hire you anyway.
Sigh. Better to just give up on the dream of meaningful work and make the best of what you have, right?
I see this quite often among my No Regrets clients, so if this sounds like you, know that you definitely aren’t alone. In my experience, the problem isn’t that you’re wishy-washy. The problem is that you’re suffering from one of three hidden psychological barriers.
Barrier #1: You don’t have enough information
Maria had tried so many unfulfilling jobs, she was burnt out. Knowing that she liked to help people, and needing a dose of peace and contentment herself, she thought a job as a spa therapist would be a perfect fit.She quit after a single day.
“It is barely glamorized slave labor,” she told me.
It’s easy to romanticize a career and imagine what it will be like. You see the job from the perspective of a customer and think you understand what the job entails.
On the other hand, Maria’s experience in the job was also limited to a particular establishment. For example, I know someone who created a beauty salon and spa in her house. She loves the work and it’s a truly unique experience for her clients too.
In another case, Colin came to me because he really wanted to open his own theater, but his wife was reluctant to agree because it would mean a significant drop in their standard of living.
I asked him how many theater owners he had surveyed and how much they made. It turned out he had never talked to one. Ideally, he’d talk to both those making more and less than he was hoping for, so he could start to get a sense of what made the difference and whether he was capable of performing to that standard.
I happened to have a friend who made quite a decent living at it. It was a single data point, but it was step in the right direction. His own network could probably yield several more.
It’s essential you gather enough information on potential careers to make an informed decision. This means getting real data, either through a test-drive or through interviews with people who have done what you want to do. Day-dreaming or relying on media representations of a career is not enough.
Barrier #2: You have conflicting visions of who you are
A big part of choosing a new career is making decisions about what you like and who you are. And while it seems like these should be the easiest questions of all to answer, they often aren’t.For one thing, you may be trying to answer questions for which you have no reference answers. That can be unsettling because our education system teaches us that there are right answers and wrong answers, and the right answers are those that have been externally validated (i.e. we don’t necessarily decide what’s right).
For example, my husband is fascinated by sailing stories filled with adventure. He admires sailors who sail around the world or participate in high stakes races. But if you ask him about his own happiest memories, they are nearly always quiet times with the family at home or drinking coffee at the local cafe.
For myself, I keep saying I want to be a writer, then I fall back in love with growing my business. I don’t think it has to be an either/or choice, but I’m forcing myself to acknowledge that writing may never become the highlight of my career the way I thought it would. And that’s okay.
The old saying “actions speak louder than words” is relevant here. For anything you’re feeling conflicted about, you should ask yourself, “What have I done to demonstrate this belief? Are my actions consistent or are they mostly what I would do, if only I had X?”
In my husband’s case, he always said he would do a lot more sailing, if only he didn’t have a job. So, he’s taking a year off of work to test that idea. I’m giving myself several months to exclusively focus on my business–while paying attention to how it feels not writing.
And if our dreams don’t turn out to be the career passions we imagined? We can keep them as a fun hobbies or side activities, and then move on to something else without second-guessing ourselves.
Defining yourself in this way can be scary, but it’s a lot better than always wondering “What if?”
Barrier #3: You’re afraid to close doors
This manifests itself in a couple of different ways.The first is a fear that if you quit your job to pursue something else, and it doesn’t work out, the door is closed to ever returning to your previous job. Who says? I have a number of clients who tried out a new career, decided they were being too hard on their old job, and negotiated a return (usually with better benefits, not worse).
For example, one client moved to another state in order to get a graduate degree in public administration. Unfortunately, while in school she discovered she wasn’t all that interested in her post-graduate opportunities. We not only found a way for her to get her old job back, but they hired her as a virtual employee so she wouldn’t have to move again.
Chances are, if you’re missing your old workplace, they’re probably missing you too.
The other case where a fear of closing doors pops up is for those who love so many different things, they see choosing a career as a kind of rejection of the other possibilities. Such people are frequently called scanners or multi-potentialites.
One such client of mine, Andrew, felt a constant sense of dissatisfaction that he hadn’t found the right career. He struggled to choose a new direction, despite a long list of interesting options, because “it meant letting go of the imagined life each one could bring.”
When he forced himself to roughly prioritize his passions and committed to testing his ideas out, he found a career that allowed him to group three of his passions together. More importantly, he finally enjoyed what he was doing instead of always thinking about what he wasn’t.
It’s important to note that there are instances where closing doors is fairly easy. For example, when you get married, you presumably close the door on other relationships as well as a host of experiences and opportunities that are incompatible with the priorities of your marriage. Many of us not only close those doors willingly, but want to do so as early as possible.
Which suggests that something else is really at play when it comes to indecision…
Are you afraid of embracing your true self?
Speaking for myself, I know the reason I was so eager to get married the first time, even to someone who killed my cat, was that it represented something about me, not just to me. My father used to tell me I was incapable of real love. I was desperate to shed that image and prove him wrong.Maria wasn’t just seeking peace, she needed to see herself as a peaceful person, someone capable of experiencing it in addition to providing it.
My husband wants to believe he is adventurous and a risk-taker. I want to believe I’m the next Malcolm Gladwell. Chances are, we’ve bundled our self-image into our passions.
Andrew realized it was his daydreams that were holding him back, not his realities.
I’ve listed three sources of our indecision, and that explains things at one level. But we can go a little deeper, can’t we?
Our indecision looks like a rational weighing of options. At its roots, however, we are often afraid that who we are and what we want is not enough.
The question is: enough for whom?
It’s your life, after all. What if you decided to live it as bravely and honestly as you can?
Then every decision becomes easier, because you know it’s one you can live with.
Source
Minimalism has changed me. What began as just a journey to own less
stuff has changed the way I view myself and the world around me in
significant ways.
One of the most significant changes is my reevaluation of how society defines success. Too often, those who make and spend and keep the most resources for themselves are labeled as the “successful ones.”
But this is unfortunate. Some of the best people I know would not be regarded as successful in worldly terms—precisely because they have decided to spend and focus their resources on less material things.
These people are far too rare—or at least, they do not get enough recognition. Instead, it seems ingrained in us to desire and appreciate the praise and the admiration of others. And because of that, many people will compromise greater and more worthwhile pursuits for the facade of temporal, worldly success.
I think it is important for us to no longer take the bait—to no longer heap accolades on those who flaunt selfish pursuits.
To that end, because of how my view of the world and its people has begun to change, I will offer a short list of things that no longer impress me:
The brand name of your clothing. Manufacturing practices are important. So is quality and fit. Why the name printed on the inside (and often times the outside) matter, I will never understand. Too often, people pay a premium just for the privilege of become a walking billboard. I am no longer impressed by the logo on your shirt, your purse, or the face of your watch. Instead, I admire those who are confident in timeless fashion and seek to make an impression by their character and their countenance.
The number of carats in your jewelry. One of the most important chapters in my new book, Only What Matters: The Life-Giving Benefits of Owning Less,
contains the story of Bryan and Nicole. Bryan and Nicole, five years
into their marriage, continue to make sacrifices each day to help pay
off lingering wedding debt—most of which is wrapped around Nicole’s
finger. While the size of the rock on someone’s finger is noticed by
some, most are not even looking.
The price of your car. The goal of any vehicle is to safely transport persons from Point A to Point B. Reliability is important, so is comfort (especially if you spend lots of time in it). But most luxury (and sport) cars appeal to a different motivation, they are no longer just about transportation. They often appeal to our need to broadcast success and get noticed—even if that means impressing strangers for 60 seconds at a red light.
The square footage of your house. Houses provide shelter and opportunity for stability. They represent investment in both our finances and our neighborhood. Over the course of my life, I have owned several homes (just one at a time) and have experienced the pride that comes from providing and creating a home for my family. But years ago, we intentionally chose to downsize and buy a smaller one. It is a decision I have never regretted. And to this day, when I drive past a large house, the only thing I can think of is how much happier we are in a small one.
The dollars in your bank account. The ultimate
measure of success in our world today is personal wealth. Incidentally,
we are not the first—this standard holds true across almost every
society from the beginning of time. But I’m starting to wonder if we
have been using the wrong measure. Maybe the number of dollars in a bank
account is not the greatest measurement of success. Maybe instead, the
amount of good we are able to accomplish with our lives is a truer
measure of success
The model of your cell phone. Just the other day, I was spending time at a local park with my kids and a group of their friends. One of the most repeated conversations I overheard was their constant comparison of technology. “Which iPhone do you have? What number iPod is that? And guess who just got a new iPad for her birthday?” It was alarming to hear kids under the age of 10 spend so much energy comparing models of battery-powered electronics. And as much as I wanted to blame them and correct them, I was reminded that we adults are not that different. If we are not comparing cell phones, we are often lusting after faster computers and bigger television screens.
The age of your retirement. Retirement is the ultimate goal for most people. Unfortunately, this creates an attitude that sees the greatest goal of work is to remove ourselves from it. I think that approach is short-sighted and fails to recognize the fulfillment we find in it. But more than that, the age of someone’s retirement is based on countless factors, many of which are outside of anyone’s control—one man may strike it rich by simply being in the right place at the right time, while another may have experienced the exact opposite circumstance (just ask any number of 65-year old Baby Boomers). And this doesn’t even begin to count those who will continue working late in life because they have graciously used their financial resources to bless others.
The photos on your social media account. Almost
everyone posts flattering images and experiences of themselves
online—from new clothes and restaurant food to local concerts and
airplane wings. These images are closely guarded and selected routinely
portraying only the most exciting parts of our lives. With foolish
abandon, we blame Photoshop for perpetuating unattainable images of
perfection while simultaneously editing and photoshopping our own lives
for social media.
Let’s stop trying to impress others with the things that we own. And start trying to inspire them by the lives that we live.
Source
One of the most significant changes is my reevaluation of how society defines success. Too often, those who make and spend and keep the most resources for themselves are labeled as the “successful ones.”
But this is unfortunate. Some of the best people I know would not be regarded as successful in worldly terms—precisely because they have decided to spend and focus their resources on less material things.
These people are far too rare—or at least, they do not get enough recognition. Instead, it seems ingrained in us to desire and appreciate the praise and the admiration of others. And because of that, many people will compromise greater and more worthwhile pursuits for the facade of temporal, worldly success.
I think it is important for us to no longer take the bait—to no longer heap accolades on those who flaunt selfish pursuits.
To that end, because of how my view of the world and its people has begun to change, I will offer a short list of things that no longer impress me:
The brand name of your clothing. Manufacturing practices are important. So is quality and fit. Why the name printed on the inside (and often times the outside) matter, I will never understand. Too often, people pay a premium just for the privilege of become a walking billboard. I am no longer impressed by the logo on your shirt, your purse, or the face of your watch. Instead, I admire those who are confident in timeless fashion and seek to make an impression by their character and their countenance.
The number of carats in your jewelry. One of the most important chapters in my new book, Only What Matters: The Life-Giving Benefits of Owning Less,
contains the story of Bryan and Nicole. Bryan and Nicole, five years
into their marriage, continue to make sacrifices each day to help pay
off lingering wedding debt—most of which is wrapped around Nicole’s
finger. While the size of the rock on someone’s finger is noticed by
some, most are not even looking.The price of your car. The goal of any vehicle is to safely transport persons from Point A to Point B. Reliability is important, so is comfort (especially if you spend lots of time in it). But most luxury (and sport) cars appeal to a different motivation, they are no longer just about transportation. They often appeal to our need to broadcast success and get noticed—even if that means impressing strangers for 60 seconds at a red light.
The square footage of your house. Houses provide shelter and opportunity for stability. They represent investment in both our finances and our neighborhood. Over the course of my life, I have owned several homes (just one at a time) and have experienced the pride that comes from providing and creating a home for my family. But years ago, we intentionally chose to downsize and buy a smaller one. It is a decision I have never regretted. And to this day, when I drive past a large house, the only thing I can think of is how much happier we are in a small one.
The dollars in your bank account. The ultimate
measure of success in our world today is personal wealth. Incidentally,
we are not the first—this standard holds true across almost every
society from the beginning of time. But I’m starting to wonder if we
have been using the wrong measure. Maybe the number of dollars in a bank
account is not the greatest measurement of success. Maybe instead, the
amount of good we are able to accomplish with our lives is a truer
measure of successThe model of your cell phone. Just the other day, I was spending time at a local park with my kids and a group of their friends. One of the most repeated conversations I overheard was their constant comparison of technology. “Which iPhone do you have? What number iPod is that? And guess who just got a new iPad for her birthday?” It was alarming to hear kids under the age of 10 spend so much energy comparing models of battery-powered electronics. And as much as I wanted to blame them and correct them, I was reminded that we adults are not that different. If we are not comparing cell phones, we are often lusting after faster computers and bigger television screens.
The age of your retirement. Retirement is the ultimate goal for most people. Unfortunately, this creates an attitude that sees the greatest goal of work is to remove ourselves from it. I think that approach is short-sighted and fails to recognize the fulfillment we find in it. But more than that, the age of someone’s retirement is based on countless factors, many of which are outside of anyone’s control—one man may strike it rich by simply being in the right place at the right time, while another may have experienced the exact opposite circumstance (just ask any number of 65-year old Baby Boomers). And this doesn’t even begin to count those who will continue working late in life because they have graciously used their financial resources to bless others.
Let’s stop trying to impress others with the things that we own. And start trying to inspire them by the lives that we live.
Source
Self-esteem refers to the value we place on ourselves. It's a
self-imposed judgment of our own worth. It follows that self-esteem is
something that comes from within. We can't look to others for it, we
can't pay for it, and it can't be gifted to us. When our self-esteem is
up we feel pretty good about ourselves. It's that sense of feeling
comfortable in our own skin, of acknowledging that we're not perfect but
being able to live with ourselves despite the flaws. We tend to treat
ourselves kindly and we learn to trust our own beliefs, values and
behavior without looking to others for approval or guidance. We're not
closed to suggestions or feedback but our confidence remains high as we
adapt to new or challenging circumstances.
Contrast this with low self-esteem and the differences become clearer. Low self-esteem is fraught with difficulties. We're constantly comparing ourselves to others and wishing we could be like them, or even 'be' them. It's a lack of personal control and a nagging need for greater personal strength and confidence.
Self-esteem isn't fixed. We can't, for example, go on a course or read a book and develop self-esteem in the way we might develop muscles through exercise. It's true that guidance can help enormously but the point is our esteem is a dynamic process that can increase or reduce according to circumstances. Anyone who has experienced a traumatic event will tend to feel self-esteem reduce. When, for example, we're forced into actions we might not choose it means control is taken from us and placed in someone else's hands. We become victims of circumstance and we feel bad as a result.
It's
therefore important to understand that self-esteem ebbs and flows, but
this doesn't mean we can't have an abiding sense of self worth. If we
become victims of circumstance our lives being reactive rather than
proactive. We constantly look to others for approval and our lives
become fearful in case we go wrong, in case we're disapproved of, in
case we're not liked. Almost inevitably we can't sustain such an
approach. There will always be times others disagree with us, don't want
to speak to us, turn their backs on us. What's left is a desolate sense
of rejection and resentment and low self-esteem becomes reinforced
Improving Self-Esteem
Our inner voice is the one critical issue to get into check. We've all got an inner voice. It's the thing that says, 'maybe I shouldn't because I'm not good enough,' or 'I'd better not in case I fail or embarrass myself or other people'. Let's unpack what's going here.
What is the content of this inner voice? Is it very general in nature or does it tend to focus on a very few things? Where has it come from? Is it some bad experience you had years ago or is it what we might think of as anticipatory anxiety?
Our inner critic tends to be ruthless. It operates in black and white terms where everything is a disaster, a failure or perfect and brilliant. Oh yes, real life is that, isn't it? Put your inner critic under scrutiny. Who says it's accurate? Is it able to predict the future? Can it mind read? Or is it stirring up your emotions based on nothing more than - well, emotions?
For every negative statement you can think of its important to counter it with a positive and more logical alternative. So 'she'll think I'm stupid,' is replaced with 'everyone asks questions, why should mine be less worthy?'
This is just a start, but it's a way to understanding how self-esteem operates and what you can do in order to turn things to your advantage.
Contrast this with low self-esteem and the differences become clearer. Low self-esteem is fraught with difficulties. We're constantly comparing ourselves to others and wishing we could be like them, or even 'be' them. It's a lack of personal control and a nagging need for greater personal strength and confidence.
Self-esteem isn't fixed. We can't, for example, go on a course or read a book and develop self-esteem in the way we might develop muscles through exercise. It's true that guidance can help enormously but the point is our esteem is a dynamic process that can increase or reduce according to circumstances. Anyone who has experienced a traumatic event will tend to feel self-esteem reduce. When, for example, we're forced into actions we might not choose it means control is taken from us and placed in someone else's hands. We become victims of circumstance and we feel bad as a result.
It's
therefore important to understand that self-esteem ebbs and flows, but
this doesn't mean we can't have an abiding sense of self worth. If we
become victims of circumstance our lives being reactive rather than
proactive. We constantly look to others for approval and our lives
become fearful in case we go wrong, in case we're disapproved of, in
case we're not liked. Almost inevitably we can't sustain such an
approach. There will always be times others disagree with us, don't want
to speak to us, turn their backs on us. What's left is a desolate sense
of rejection and resentment and low self-esteem becomes reinforcedImproving Self-Esteem
Our inner voice is the one critical issue to get into check. We've all got an inner voice. It's the thing that says, 'maybe I shouldn't because I'm not good enough,' or 'I'd better not in case I fail or embarrass myself or other people'. Let's unpack what's going here.
What is the content of this inner voice? Is it very general in nature or does it tend to focus on a very few things? Where has it come from? Is it some bad experience you had years ago or is it what we might think of as anticipatory anxiety?
Our inner critic tends to be ruthless. It operates in black and white terms where everything is a disaster, a failure or perfect and brilliant. Oh yes, real life is that, isn't it? Put your inner critic under scrutiny. Who says it's accurate? Is it able to predict the future? Can it mind read? Or is it stirring up your emotions based on nothing more than - well, emotions?
For every negative statement you can think of its important to counter it with a positive and more logical alternative. So 'she'll think I'm stupid,' is replaced with 'everyone asks questions, why should mine be less worthy?'
This is just a start, but it's a way to understanding how self-esteem operates and what you can do in order to turn things to your advantage.
If you have charm everybody listens to you and gives you more
opportunities. This articles shows you how to be more charming and put
it into practice in all your relationships.I will explain further:
Don't say anything that attacks or lowers the self-esteem of others.
Do not criticize, complain or condemn. It's the opposite of charming and makes the conversation negative and unpleasant. Practice your charm and resolve to be cheerful no matter what is going on in your private life.
If you have something negative on your mind keep it to yourself Never talk about your problems in business and social settings.
2. Use your charm and be agreeable.
When someone says something you don't agree with it is charming to be completely neutral and keep it to yourself. Refuse to argue or suggest the other person is wrong.
Even if the other person is wrong, let it pass. The more charming and agreeable you are with other people, the more they like you.
3. Practice acceptance.
This trait satisfies a deep subconscious need of other people. I am talking about the need to be accepted by other people.
You express lack of acceptance of another person by ignoring or criticizing them. It is charming to smile at another person. This is the best way to practice acceptance.
4. Express gratitude on every occasion.
Do this by saying thank you. The more grateful you are towards others, the better they feel about themselves and you.
5. Express admiration whenever possible.
It is charming to admire people for their traits, possessions and accomplishments.
6. Give approval and praise.
Giving praise shows charm and positively influences the behavior of people.
7. Pay attention
Charming people listen closely to other people when they speak. Here's how to listen properly:
A. Listen attentively without interrupting.
B. Pause before replying. Carefully consider what the other person has said.
C. Ask the following questions for clarification. The person who asks questions has control.
- What sort of work do you do?
- How did you get into that field?
- And then what did you do?
- And then what did you say?
Instead of trying to impress, be impressed. Instead of trying to make friend, be a friend.To conclude: Any psychologist will tell you that the self-esteem is the foundation of personality. Therefore, the number one way to become more charming is to work on the person's self-esteem. The way in which other people behave toward us is a key ingredient for a healthy emotional environment. Making the other person feel more important is the key to becoming more charming.
Almost everyone one of us has our own dreams but very few of us are able to realize them. Although it's too easy to blame the circumstances and things that are totally out of our control for our suffering and misery. But the fact is, there are things within us, which hold us back from realizing our dreams.
It is often noticed that people are more feared about the uncertainty, rather than the possible worst outcome. We are often so stuck in WHAT IF scenario that we didn't even dare took any initiative to try anything out. This is because the uncertainty is far more threatening than the actual outcome. The moment we realize any possible outcome we start working toward it. But it is because of that death trap of what if that might happen or if that might not happen that holds us back. So, if we really want to get out of this trap, we need to realize the fact that moving out and doing is always better than being stuck and doing nothing.
At times, we are held back by our self-created inner fears. We anticipate the worst-case scenario and think about it over and over so that we start believing it to be true. In this case, our power and energy are diverted to things that simply hold us back. These fears are nothing except our self-imaginations. We can only overcome these fears by taking initiative. It's mostly the first step that is most difficult. Because with time we learn things and become strong enough to defeat these fears. These self-created deceptive fears can only be defeated by practical steps taken.
Have you ever seen people who are spending their lives in the same way, even in the same pattern years after years? Yet they are the people who are most desperate to change their lives. But they can't help themselves to do anything that might change their lives. These are the people who are the victims of the comfort zone. It is too hard to leave our comfort zone because it is a routine where we see no failure no defeat. This is just because we are not doing anything new. The comfort zone is simply slow poisoning. It makes us believe that everything is just perfect, so it stops us from doing anything new. But if we fail to change ourselves with time. If we are too afraid to take the risk to do better things. Things that are uncertain and difficult but, which are far more rewarding. We will eventually find ourselves as being stuck at the same point.
I know it's too hard to break this comfort zone, but it's still better to break it rather than allowing it to break us. There are a few simple things that we can do to get out of it eventually. Firstly, think of the things we dream of, things that inspire us. And then surround ourselves with the people who are into this. This might seem useless at first. But trust me with time we will be inspired by them. We will develop enough strength to try things out by our own self.
We have to be sure of the fact that life is too short to be stuck to one place. And at times it's merely the lack of courage rather than the lack of skill that holds us back. Next time if you find yourself being stuck, make sure it's not because of these self-created traps.
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It is hard to stay true to yourself if you have not figured out who you are, what you want from life, and how to get everything that, according to you, would make you whole. While in this situation, people tend to live in the past, and dwell on bad memories, because they feel they can identify more with the person they used to be, than who they can be. Others tend to live their lives based on how they think others want them to live. Living life like this is not very satisfying.
You are not what people say you are, what you own, or what you were in the past. What defines you each and every day are the choices you make, and what you think about each day. Thinking positive thoughts on an everyday basis, and making choices that will make you happy, will go a long way in making you feel fulfilled. You will be able to shine bright instead of walking in other people's shadows. It is always better to fail in an attempt to do things you like, than stay unhappy doing what you think everyone else want you to do.
Decide today that you are going to choose yourself first, before anyone else. Be daring enough to choose without worrying about things going wrong, or people thinking less of you. Decide on what you want to be, and follow that decision with actions.
If you have been doing a job for years, and you do not really like it, but you have to keep at it to please a friend, or your parents, how about quitting, and following a career path you actually like.
They say, we only live once, so don't make the mistake of living someone else's life, because sooner or later you might come to regret it. Make the decision today, to follow your own dream, and live the life that really matters, your own. You have been given the gift of life, and all the tools you need to become the best you, you can be. Stay true to yourself!
Happiness is the key to a fulfilling and satisfying life. Being cheerful is an awesome feeling, and very fulfilling, but to experience ultimate satisfaction, you need to make your cheerfulness contagious.
Life does not always serve us roses. Sometimes the best we get from life are bitter lemons. However, a cheerful person should go along with the saying, "When life offers you lemons, make lemonade."
This lemonade is best when shared with others. Just like the majestic sun, that brightens every object it shines upon, so can your happiness brighten any dark heart around you.
Cheerfulness is universal and non-partial. No matter how hard life has hit someone, a smile cannot fail to put life into a broken and emotionally dead heart. A lot of people around you believe that there is no time to be happy in this "problem-filled serious world".
Sorry this videos just for the ladies out there!
Self confidence is the difference between feeling unstoppable and feeling scared out of your wits. Your perception of yourself has an enormous impact on how others perceive you. Perception is reality — the more self confidence you have, the more likely it is you’ll succeed.
Although many of the factors affecting self confidence are beyond your control, there are a number of things you can consciously do to build self confidence. By using these 10 strategies you can get the mental edge you need to reach your potential.
Build Self Confidence
1. Dress Sharp
Although clothes don’t make the man, they certainly affect the way he feels about himself. No one is more conscious of your physical appearance than you are. When you don’t look good, it changes the way you carry yourself and interact with other people. Use this to your advantage by taking care of your personal appearance. In most cases, significant improvements can be made by bathing and shaving frequently, wearing clean clothes, and being cognizant of the latest styles.
This doesn’t mean you need to spend a lot on clothes. One great rule to follow is “spend twice as much, buy half as much”. Rather than buying a bunch of cheap clothes, buy half as many select, high quality items. In long run this decreases spending because expensive clothes wear out less easily and stay in style longer than cheap clothes. Buying less also helps reduce the clutter in your closet.
2. Walk Faster
One of the easiest ways to tell how a person feels about herself is to examine her walk. Is it slow? tired? painful? Or is it energetic and purposeful? People with confidence walk quickly. They have places to go, people to see, and important work to do. Even if you aren’t in a hurry, you can increase your self confidence by putting some pep in your step. Walking 25% faster will make to you look and feel more important.
3. Good Posture
3. Good Posture
Similarly, the way a person carries herself tells a story. People with slumped shoulders and lethargic movements display a lack of self confidence. They aren’t enthusiastic about what they’re doing and they don’t consider themselves important. By practicing good posture, you’ll automatically feel more confident. Stand up straight, keep your head up, and make eye contact. You’ll make a positive impression on others and instantly feel more alert and empowered.
4. Personal Commercial
One of the best ways to build confidence is listening to a motivational speech. Unfortunately, opportunities to listen to a great speaker are few and far between. You can fill this need by creating a personal commercial. Write a 30-60 second speech that highlights your strengths and goals. Then recite it in front of the mirror aloud (or inside your head if you prefer) whenever you need a confidence boost.
5. Gratitude
When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum. You’ll be amazed how much you have going for you and motivated to take that next step towards success.
6. Compliment other people
When we think negatively about ourselves, we often project that feeling on to others in the form of insults and gossip. To break this cycle of negativity, get in the habit of praising other people. Refuse to engage in backstabbing gossip and make an effort to compliment those around you. In the process, you’ll become well liked and build self confidence. By looking for the best in others, you indirectly bring out the best in yourself.
7. Sit in the front row
In schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.
In schools, offices, and public assemblies around the world, people constantly strive to sit at the back of the room. Most people prefer the back because they’re afraid of being noticed. This reflects a lack of self confidence. By deciding to sit in the front row, you can get over this irrational fear and build your self confidence. You’ll also be more visible to the important people talking from the front of the room.
8. Speak up
During group discussions many people never speak up because they’re afraid that people will judge them for saying something stupid. This fear isn’t really justified. Generally, people are much more accepting than we imagine. In fact most people are dealing with the exact same fears. By making an effort to speak up at least once in every group discussion, you’ll become a better public speaker, more confident in your own thoughts, and recognized as a leader by your peers.
9. Work out
Along the same lines as personal appearance, physical fitness has a huge effect on self confidence. If you’re out of shape, you’ll feel insecure, unattractive, and less energetic. By working out, you improve your physcial appearance, energize yourself, and accomplish something positive. Having the discipline to work out not only makes you feel better, it creates positive momentum that you can build on the rest of the day.
10. Focus on contribution
Too often we get caught up in our own desires. We focus too much on ourselves and not enough on the needs of other people. If you stop thinking about yourself and concentrate on the contribution you’re making to the rest of the world, you won’t worry as much about you own flaws. This will increase self confidence and allow you to contribute with maximum efficiency. The more you contribute to the world the more you’ll be rewarded with personal success and recognition.
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Are you too easily offended?
Here’s a test:
Do you explode in fits of anger over little things?
Do others say you make mountains out of mole hills?
Do you frequently take things the wrong way?
Do others feel they have to “walk on eggshells” around you?
Do others consider you “high maintenance”?
If so, your hypersensitivity is robbing you of happiness.
I know it’s much easier for me to tell you to stop taking things so personally than it is to actually stop taking things so personally. Still, there are ways to thicken your skin and enjoy life with more happiness and less contention and hurt feelings.
#1: TALK YOURSELF OUT OF BEING OFFENDED
It can be just that simple. In the heat of the moment, try asking yourself these questions: “What am I getting so bent out of shape for? Does this really matter? What’s the big deal?” Reason with yourself: “Did he really mean it the way I was just about to take it? Is he truly actually trying to hurt me? Well, then, what is he really trying to say?”
Tell yourself the person who is the potential offender has as much right to his opinion as you do to yours. Besides, they’re only words. What can words do? They certainly can’t break my bones!
Remember, the reason we usually feel offended is because of the meaning we attach to what is said or done: “That means he really doesn’t care!” “She’s saying I am no good!” “I knew he didn’t really love me!” “She wouldn’t say that if she was …” And so the internal interpretation goes.
So simply reframe it. Talk yourself out of the offense by telling yourself: “This person is simply expressing his opinion, and listen to how interesting it is! I find it so fascinating that someone can have such opinions that are almost the exact opposite of mine!”
You will be happier as you learn to talk yourself out of offense and internalize the sticks-and-stones-may-break-my-bones-but-words-will-never-hurt-me philosophy of communication.
#2: PUT YOURSELF IN THE “OFFENDER’S” SHOES
This will have the added benefit of being less offensive to others, as you learn to be “too noble to give offense.” In any event, if you can slide your feet into their moccasins for a minute, you can learn to see things from the offender’s perspective. And then, just maybe, you will see that you too played a role in the drama. And perhaps you will also come to see that the offender had no such intentions of offending.
#3: ASSUME A BENEVOLENT MOTIVE
Unless proven otherwise (you don’t want to become someone’s dupe), assume the person in question has noble intent. Maybe the language was clumsy, maybe even ill-advised, but assume a good heart. That should take the sting out of the bite and put some happiness back in your day.
So don’t hold on to the words people use to get at the thing they are trying to express. Hear the idea and ignore the clumsiness of the expression.
#4: PRACTICE DETACHMENT
Many people are easily offended because they can’t emotionally differentiate between their thoughts and their inner sense of self. When identities are too closely tied to one’s opinions, and those opinions are then disagreed with, many feel like they, themselves, have been rejected, the core of who they are have been shoved away, pushed to a corner and crushed. This, of course, hurts, but is highly inaccurate.
To overcome hypersensitivity, realize that your opinions are not you. And certainly, any given opinion or set of opinions are not the whole of who you are. To the degree you can detach your ideas from your identity, you will live a happy, fulfilling life with little opportunity to feel offended.
#5: LEARN HUMILITY
A well-known religious leader once said that whenever he hears that he has offended someone, his first response is to stop and think if, in fact, he may have said or done something that could have given the impression of an offense. That, by itself, is a great attitude of humility that would make him almost immune to offense.
But he didn’t stop there. He went on to say that he often found that he had indeed said something that could have been construed as offensive. He would then seek out the offended person and apologize for the misconstrued word or deed. Humility is the friend of inner peace and equanimity. And peace and equanimity are the friends of happiness.
#6: LOVE TRUTH MORE THAN BEING RIGHT
If the truth, whoever possesses it, is more valued than the perception that you are the one who knew it first, then opposition to your thoughts and beliefs will be inoffensive no matter how offensive the other person is trying to be. You are not emotionally attached to your position. You only hunger after truth. So opposition to your point of view offers no grounds for offense. You simply want to know the truth, even if you are never the place it originates.
#7: OVERCOME SELF-CENTEREDNESS
The It’s-All-About-Me mentality is fertile soil for being frequently offended. Every word out of every mouth, every action or inaction, all that is done or undone, all motives and intentions become a reflection on you. That is a HUGE burden to carry.
If everything is reduced to how it affects you, if you reside at the center of everything, no wonder you are so frequently offended! Move away from the center of everyone else’s life. You likely aren’t really there anyway. Nor should you be, in most cases. Allow most of life to be indifferent to you. My bad mood isn’t about you. Your mom’s neglect isn’t even about you either. It’s about her! This way, less in life will offend you and happiness will be much less fleeting too.
Besides, they’re entitled to their opinion. So let them have it … cheerfully!
#8: RESERVE JUDGMENT
Finish the discussion. Let the talk continue to its natural end. So often we jump to conclusions, assume an ill intent, create meaning to a word that then hurts and offends. Resist that urge and delay judgment until the conversation has run its course. You just may find there is no offense to be had by the time you get to the end.
#9: ACCEPT IMPERFECTION
If you expect others to act and speak a certain way, or assume others will be as kind or compassionate as you, if you’re offended when they don’t rise to the level of your expectation, you will almost always be offended or on the verge of it. Instead, allow people to be human. They are, after all.
We all have foibles, idiosyncrasies and personality and character flaws. So do you! Yours just may be different than theirs. So just let it be, shrug and let it slide off your back. Don’t hold on to the imperfections of others so tightly that you strangle yourself in the process! Release! Let go! Breathe. Relax.
Part of accepting others’ imperfections is also learning to forgive them their past mistakes (so the current problem isn’t blown out of proportion as an extension of a previous problem unresolved) and create a sort of Forgiveness Default Setting in your heart that you automatically go to when confronted with offensive language or behavior.
Remember, people are imperfect. You are imperfect. Life is imperfect. And that’s just plain A-Okay! When you can accept their imperfection (and your own!), you will be well on your way to a life of more emotional stability and happiness.
#10: ACCEPT YOURSELF
Learn and grow and improve, of course. But accept where you are along that path. You could hardly be anywhere else, given circumstances, after all. So accept yourself deep inside. Validate your inner being. See yourself as more than your behavior. You are also your potential.
You are of God, after all. None of us live up to expectations. But accept that too, not as an excuse to stop the moral climb, but as an understanding that where you are is fine for now, at this moment. Move from there, but right now, here, you are complete.
This self-acceptance will de-claw others’ ability to offend you. It won’t hurt because your validation doesn’t come from their opinions about you. It comes from within … or from above. People who are internally fragile – no matter how “tough” their exterior – break most easily at the wrong or misplaced word or deed.
So grow your inner self. Become self-accepting. And life will be a more consistently happy place to live.
YOUR TURN!
How have you grown thicker skin?
Have you found any of these suggestions helpful?
What advice would you give someone who is easily offended?
Are there other ways of letting go that would help?
We are all born with an equal potential for greatness. There are no exceptions, yet most achieve far below their potential while a small handful rise to extraordinary heights and become legends. To rank amongst the elite you must consciously change your habits. Greatness does not show up with time or because you think about it. Greatness is a virtue you must consciously invest in every minute of every day. Be intentional about greatness and go after it with an unwavering belief in your abilities to achieve success and excellence.
1. Sense of purpose and vision.
The mindset necessary for achieving greatness lies in understanding that success is not your ultimate goal. This goal is too small and unilateral. To strive for greatness you must be well-rounded. You must be more interested in building a cause that touches others, not a business. Be willing to step out of the box. Strive to be a pioneer, a trend setter, a game changer and a radical thinker who is deeply driven to make this world a better place.
The two habits necessary to accomplish your goals and ideals are; an unwavering dedication to your cause and the desire to make a significant difference. To achieve greatness you have to know the deeper reasons for building your business. It is these deeper emotional reasons where you discover a well of passion, dedication, perseverance and the willingness to fight to the bitter end for your victory.
Be willing to suffer along the way.
2. Strong set of core values.
To unlock your greatness be clear on your values. Your values are the unconscious motivators which shape your future. It is your values which drive your actions and behaviors. Be clear on the mission and values your business stands for and what goals are in line to make you unique to the consumer. Consumers love to invest in and be a part of any mission they believe in and one they see as beneficial.
Anyone who has reached greatness is fanatical about the values upon which their business stands. Significant earnings are created from principles based in strong values where you do not need to sell your soul to experience greatness.
3. Unwavering belief.
Your beliefs develop the foundational rules of how you play the game of success. To be a great achiever, create a rule book that enhances your success and sets you apart from the average person whose self-limiting beliefs keeps them thinking small and living small. An unwavering belief in your vision will lead to your greatness. Adopt a rebel heart. Refuse to take "no" for an answer. Be courageous enough to go against the grain. Rise to the occasion when faced with obstacles.
The only person who can stop your greatness is you. Practice the art of failing and getting up again and again. This gives you the resiliency necessary for creating a strong mind. Rid yourself of each belief you outgrow along your journey and grow new beliefs to put in place of the old.
4. Enjoy in the process.
Greatness in its truest form is not about the goal as much as it is about the process of getting there. Commit to defying the odds, overcoming huge challenges and taking the road less traveled. Instant gratification does not bring happiness, greatness or success. Happiness comes from the pursuit of excellence. Walt Disney is a great example of a visionary who suffered repeated financial setbacks and business disasters, yet persevered with an unfaltering belief in his vision.
Accept that to be great you must journey where many avoid. They are not brave enough to seek greatness. See your challenges as stepping stones to you playing a much bigger business game. Do not give in when you get a rejection. Keep striving.
5. Make efficient decisions.
Greatness is a decision. To make a definitive decision means to cut out all other possibilities. In other words, neither failure nor distraction are options to those who choose to succeed.
Every great achiever makes this decision about their future. Analyze your decisions to determine if they are getting you where you need to go. Strive to learn quickly what works to grow your business and what decisions are taking you off course.
6. Daily goals and work habits.
Behind every extraordinary success is the discipline of creating daily goals backed by work habits which show huge payoffs. It is very rare to be an overnight success. Success is about repetition and the culmination of consistent small steps over time. True success in any field boils down to your days filled with hard work, practice and patience.
To reach your desired levels of greatness, develop habits that promote your success. Rid yourself of habits that get in your way, such as procrastination. Imagine if one of your idols was running your business, think about what consistent daily action they would take in your business to achieve success. Do what you think they would do.
7. Positive self-identification.
Success and your ability to achieve it largely boil down to seeing and identifying yourself as the single most powerful influence on your future. Great achievers, at some point, all awaken to their true nature. Stay committed to learning from your past, rather than letting it hold you back. Don't allow current obstacles or circumstances to dictate your future.
Let it be your constant quest to reinvent yourself, your life, your vision of yourself and your business. This will catapult you a cut of above the rest. Believe you are destined for greatness. Analyze the ways in which you allow your past to define you and find solutions to change those beliefs. Write a script for what and who you want to become.
Success comes from the inside out. Greatness is not a goal you achieve or a skill you have, but a virtue, a state of mind, a habit you develop. Greatness is an inner game, defined by your own rules where the only way you can claim your victory is to elevate your mind, positioning all your thoughts towards the idea of excellence.
Commit to constant learning and to recognizing when and where you need to step out of your own way. Change the aspects of yourself that keep you from greatness. Do not allow yourself to be boxed in by your own inner doubts or limiting beliefs. By changing the rules of your inner game, you wake up to your own extraordinary potential to achieve levels of greatness you never thought possible.
“You were put on this earth to achieve your greatest self, to live out your purpose, and to do it courageously.” - Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
